OK Past Selves, so it’s time to cast a critical eye on my own work.
The italicized blurb intro was a bit wordy. The second paragraph, though, is a blatant infodump, and it’s got to go. Work the details into the body of the story itself, show-don’t-tell.
Overall it’s too compressed. Spread it out. Next draft, wider and slower. Unify narrative threads, they’re all over the place now. Jumping from topic to topic. Too choppy, needs a smoother flow.
More detailed description of what Smitty is experiencing, his environment, his immediate sensations, his emotions, maybe a personal physical description.
Build on Earth’s history (later in the story, not in the intro.) Remember, what happens to Earth may not matter much to Smitty (or he’s in denial that it does) but the readers still live there.
Just dropping a few brief notes to self, Past Selves. Off the do some rewrites.